Thursday, December 30, 2010

Petting Zoo

Are you looking for a fun neighborhood activity? How about a (temporary) petting zoo? For a few hours on a fun afternoon, bring out any younger (non-biting) members of the animal family. Pets love the attention. Kids love petting the pets. Adults can share favorite recipes while having cocktails. Temporary petting zoos are also a great activity at retirement homes and prisons. If you don't have any pets for a petting zoo, call your local humane society.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Lump Of Coal

Is there a Baa Humbug type person on your shopping list? Are you looking for a few alternative ideas to giving someone a lump of coal? Here is a Top Twenty list of gift ideas to make someone scratch their head wondering if this gift is for real, or was it intended to say: Baa Humbug?

20. A live vole.
19. Smelling salts.
18. Hockey puck.
17. One automobile gas cap.
16. Dulcolax tablets.
15. Full can of lighter fluid.
14. Two-pack of super glues.
13. A hand mirror.
12. Small bag of Quikset concrete.
11. Roll of duct tape.
10. Map of Wyoming. [+]
9. Coarse sand paper.
8. Bottle of wart remover liquid.
7. Large jar of mayonnaise.
6. Roll of Canadian pennies.
5. Packet of 200 cable binders.
4. One fork.
3. Box of parakeet food. [+]
2. Gift card to a funeral home.
1. Half can of orange paint.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Smash Burger Fargo

Overpriced. Underwhelming.
Smashburger recently opened its doors in Fargo. We decided to check it out. On the way home, I stopped by to order two sandwiches and two sides "to go". They don't have a drive-up window so you do need to park and go in to order...from their order taker. Let's call him Raymond. My first impression of the place was from Raymond - not good. (Wouldn't you want to put someone with some personality and professionalism on your front line?) He was looking down and yawning more than listening and communicating. I started trying to order but wasn't sure if he was paying attention. In the meantime, there must have been two dozen employees all moving around but none of them were doing anything. My order was supposed to be one classic smashburger without onions and an order of smashfries, plus one classic crispy chicken sandwich without onions with an order of veggie frites: to go. With tax, the order came to $17.08, which did not include any drinks. I was thinking that in order to overcome my bad first impressions of the place, some incredible food would be the only possible redemption. At home, a few minutes later, we opened our to-go containers to find: 1. sandwiches that showed little evidence of any recent heat (even tho the to-go bag was next to the floor heater for the two-minute drive home) and 2. side orders of jokingly small proportion. The classic smashburger ($4.99) and crispy classic chicken ($5.99) both had onions, even tho "no onions" was written on the side of the to-go container. The veggie frites ($2.99) yielded about eight small pieces of flash-fried asparagus and eight small pieces of flash-fried carrots (and no green beans as is mentioned on the menu). Bottom line: If you are in Fargo looking for a bite to eat, take your business to Culver's where the same meal would have been $5 less and twice as good, or McDonald's where you would have spent half as much and gotten twice as much food. We came away from our Smashburger experience with average food, small portions, high prices, and poor service. Any questions?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

State Of Emergency

Mud Slide Slim and the Blue Horizon
California should adopt a new state slogan to help attract more tourism. California: The State Of Emergency. For thrill-seekers looking for some major excitement, California seems to be stuck in a cycle of emergencies: fires, earthquakes, floods, mudslides, budget crisis, and mystery missiles. By advertising itself as The State Of Emergency, California could help its economy by 1. bringing in legal tourists, and 2. legalizing its main export crop.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


The Ladies Professional Golf Association recently changed its rules to no longer require members to be "female at birth". This birther movement was spear-headed by Ms. Lana Lawless, a former policeman. Since she can now play on the LPGA as a transexual, Lana can make use of her long driving ability. I submit that a better idea would be to have a separate TGA: Transgender Golf Association. It is here that transexuals from all around the globe could compete in one special league, combining men-to-women and women-to-men into one very unique golf association.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Rhyme With Orange

Tis quite easy to rhyme with apple:
Snapple, chapel and also grapple.
But who could ever rhyme with Or'ange?
Let's go ask Mr. Julian Ass'ange.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pop The Bublé

I knew it was going to be a good day
When I bumped into Michael Steven Bublé
After he knocked off my toupeé
We talked at the Bombay Café
During a healthy game of croquét
We were pecked by a large blue jay
Since this was clearly foul play
T'was time for all-you-can-eat buffét
My favorite was of course the soufflé.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Recycled Rocks

Recycled Rocks
During a recent drive-about, I saw a sign next to a proud pile of rocks. The sign said: "Recycled Rocks". As opposed to what kind of rocks? Non-recycled rocks? New Rocks? That got me started on a think-about. Wouldn't all the rocks we have today be from the Stone Age? Has someone been making post-Paleolithic rocks? As I recall from my college Rock-n-Roll 101 class, it goes: Stone Age, Bronze Age, and Iron Age, which are all followed by the Age of McDonalds, the Age of Walmart, and the Rise and Fall of Tiger Woods. I probably just answered my own question. Of course, it must be Walmart that is now producing and selling new rocks, at prices that we have not seen since the Stone Age.